The point of this blog was always to be very truthful and honest and so I have decided to write one last post. Partly for my readers but mainly for myself to try to work out how I am feeling.
Over the past few days, my condition has greatly deteriorated. I have a constant headache, I have completely lost the use of my right eye, I am nauseous 90% of the time, I have nearly all but lost the use of my legs but can just about make it to the bathroom, I have developed awful piles which make everything more difficult and I am incredibly shaky. But I am still at home and just spending most of the day in bed. I cannot read any more so am listening to audio books (but keep falling asleep in the middle and having to replay entire chapters). Watching TV is difficult unless I am lying on my left side for some reason. I am not really able to read e-mails anymore or really look at screens – doing this is incredibly difficult and only possible by using voice recognition software but this will probably be the last time. So if you do want to contact me, please do not e-mail anymore as I will not be able to read it or reply. You can contact my husband Neil with messages for me and he can read them.
That’s just the physical, but what is it like going through this? What is going to happen now? I think that the scariest thing is not knowing exactly how this is going to progress and how quickly. I am ready now. I wish that there was a switch I could press before I go to bed so that I just wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I am not scared of dying, in fact after the year I have had I actually look forward to the peacefulness. That sounds awful, like I have given up, but I think that the time for fighting this is now over and now is the time for accepting, letting go and releasing (which makes me feel guilty as I know how hard this will be on loved ones and then I realise that I have been pretty hard on myself throughout my life and need to work on forgiving – not others but myself). Yes, I am scared about the physical side of what is about to happen. I dread losing control completely and this is my biggest fear along with the headaches that come with the vomiting. I have so far have only had two bouts of this but it was absolutely excruciating and not something I wish to repeat. However, I just have to take some solace in the fact that I am a pretty strong person and hopefully can draw on some last reserves of strength to get through it. Either that or some strong medication!
So I just want to say to everybody, thank you for reading and for all your kind messages of support. This blog gave me something to hold onto and occupy me during a very difficult time. Please do not be very sad for me – I had a very good life, a very happy childhood and pretty much everything that I could have asked for. A wonderful family, terrific friends, amazing husband, great dog and finally the son that brought us so much joy in my last few years. I don’t have any regrets – I lived my life with as much dignity and grace as possible and always treated people as I wished to be treated myself.
So please, when you think of me think of the good things and not the end. Think of me dancing to Abba and singing on stage. Think of me eating chocolate cake and pizza and ice cream and not worrying about sugar content. Above all, think of me being happy and if you do continue to think of me then remember that life will throw us all sorts of curveballs and does not go according to plan. Take the time to appreciate what you have now because you don’t know what will happen in the future. It isn’t about money, cars or houses. It is about friends, family and enjoying your time with them.
That is all I can write now. This is getting progressively harder so I will now say goodbye. I do not want to leave this life but now just wish to go gracefully and peacefully.
Once again, thank you for your support and for those of you who I do know personally, I will miss you and have cherished all of my relationships with family and friends. I may not have said it often, but you do all mean a lot to me so thank you, I love you and goodbye.