An enema by any other name just would not be the same

I had planned for my next post to be all about my emotional healing journey. However, I have just ticked off one more box on the physical healing side of things. Today, I successfully completed my first caffeine enema! This blog may not be for the fainthearted but, don’t worry, I will not be going into graphic details.

photo of Jen

As my scan results were not as good as I had hoped, I have decided to up my game and as of yesterday am throwing myself wholeheartedly into the program that my integrative oncologist had sent me (although I am still waiting for an updated version taking my scan results into account). Having been overly enjoying myself in Brighton with my friend Tracey last week I have started this week with a two-day juice fast.

Enjoying Brighton – this is gluten and dairy free, but probably still a bit naughty.

I am three quarters of the way through the fast. This involves drinking green juice (consisting of green leafy vegetables and spices), carrot juice, restructured water (water with pink Himalayan Salt added), and taking various green powders like spirulina. I am also allowed organic teas and coffee – the drinking kind. I do 15 minutes of bouncing on a large ball to stimulate the lymphatic system (this is supposed to be done on a rebounder, a small trampoline, but as I have sciatica and potential weak bones in my spine I thought it might be a good idea to avoid trampolining at the moment). At night I do some skin brushing which also helps to stimulate the lymphatic system and then have a hot bath which would have Epsom salts in them if I had any. What I don’t do is eat. Yes, I am hungry although not nearly as much as I thought I would be. The hardest thing is getting over the habit of eating, like when I am watching TV for example I would normally be munching on some kind of snack. But the various concoctions I am drinking actually do help to suppress hunger. That said, Neil’s toasted cheese sandwich smelled like the food of the gods to me today and it took all of my willpower to avoid mugging him and stuffing the whole thing into my mouth.

The other thing that I am supposed to be doing is caffeine enemas. Why caffeine enemas? It may sound like a radical and slightly crazy idea, but caffeine enemas have actually been around for a long time and have been used in many anti-cancer protocols including, most famously, the Gerson therapy (which advocates up to 6 per day, whoah! I will be sticking with just one for now). The idea is that the caffeine stimulates the liver to produce glutathione S-transferase, a powerful enzyme that helps the body to detoxify by neutralising free radicals thus preventing inflammation, liver disease and cellular damage. So, in other words, caffeine enemas help in ridding the body of toxins.

Drinking coffee does not have the same effect as it is not as readily absorbed by the liver. During a caffeine enema, caffeine and other compounds travel via the hemorrhoidal vein to the liver. Also a lot less caffeine is metabolised by the body which means that you don’t get as much of a caffeine high.

Also, just to be clear, the coffee used is a special, organic coffee. You cannot go to your local Starbucks and buy a packet of their coffee to use in your enema. As I read somewhere online, this would necessitate a change of name to “Starbutts”.

Everything I have read and all of the protocols that I’m following include caffeine enemas on a daily basis. So, five months after I began this journey I can finally take this off my list. What took me so long? Probably the same thing that is making you read this and think “why would anybody in their right mind want to do this?” I just couldn’t get over my aversion to sticking rubber tubes up my bottom, not to mention the logistical problems of where to do this, how to do this in a house with a four-year-old and how to go about preparing the thing. I did actually try a couple of months ago, but had forgotten to take the cap off the rubber tube before inserting it so when I release the water it had nowhere to go but onto the floor. I ended up lying in a pool of coffee water. That was enough to put me off for two months.

So today, I put all this behind me and managed to do my first enema. I bought my enema kit along with the coffee on Amazon – it consists of a plastic bucket with tube coming out of it. The tube has a clamp on it that can be easily clamped shut to stop the flow of water. I started by making the coffee in the morning to give it plenty of time to cool down. I then filtered the coffee out of the water and put the water into the bucket. I covered the bathroom floor with a big towel which I lay down on. I won’t go into detail on the next step – you can imagine it as you like. Needless to say, the end of the tube needs to go into a very dark place. Once that is done, I unclamped the clamp and whoosh! The coffee water makes its way into the colon causing some very strange sensations. Ideally, I want to hold the water for about 20 minutes but I only lasted for 8 minutes (which is better than I thought I would do). Eventually, the urge to go to the loo was just too overpowering.

Amazingly, I didn’t find it particularly uncomfortable. In fact, throughout the process I read a book and enjoyed the 8 minutes of quiet time. Who would have thought? Afterwards I felt absolutely fine. To be honest, I don’t really feel any different than I did before the enema. I think if I had held longer than I may have felt a bit more.

So there you go, one more thing to add to my daily routine. I will definitely try again tomorrow.

whippet with ear raised

In case you are wondering why I have put up a photo of my whippet Jarvis in this completely unrelated post – just ask yourself, would you really want to see the alternative?

Yours in health and coffee,