This is the blog that I knew I would have to write eventually but was really not looking forward to. You can probably guess what is coming – my condition is now deteriorating quite quickly and this may be my final update.
So, what has been happening? Well it isn’t all bad. In fact there has been a lot of very good. Neil, Charlie and I had a lovely five-day holiday at Center Parcs, Woburn and on the way home stopped at Woburn Safari Park. The highlights were a monkey jumping on our car and peeking in my window and getting to pat my favourite animal, an elephant!
Two weeks after Center Parcs, Neil and I went away for a two day spa holiday at Pennyhill Park in Bagshot, Surrey. It was absolutely lovely and very relaxing. We just got back a couple of days ago.
Shortly before we left for the spa I noticed that my symptoms were getting a little worse. I was unsure as to whether to go into detail on the symptoms here, but it could be useful for somebody else in the future so I will include it. If you are squeamish then please skip the next paragraph.
I have developed a constant headache on the right side of my head and my eye and mouth on that side is drooping a little, like I have had a stroke. I have also been suffering from nausea and a couple of bouts of vomiting after I’d taken my hormonal medication. But it is not like normal vomiting, it lasts about an hour and is accompanied by an absolutely excruciating headache that feels like my head and neck is about to explode. All I can do is sit with my head in a bucket while Neil cleans up my mess and tries to massage the headache away. Unfortunately, nothing can get anywhere near where the pain is. Also, more recently I have lost more sensation in my lower legs and nearly all sensation in my bladder and bowel, other than a constant tingling and feeling of downward pressure. I am still able to use the toilet, but it is getting more difficult to control.
So, what does all this mean? Well, I assume that it will get worse and this is quite scary. In fact at times it is downright terrifying and I don’t know what to do with that. Next week I will call the hospice and arrange for them to come see me or at least to update them on my condition. Due to the nausea and vomiting I am now unable to take most of my medication, including the hormonal drugs from my oncologist , but I have increased my dose of cannabis oil and will continue to do so as it helps to keep me relaxed, helps with the pain and is supposed to help with nausea. I am tempted to give up completely on the other medication, repurposed drugs, supplements and my diet and just eat whatever I want (when not feeling sick) and have pretty much been doing that for the past week. However, maybe it is my deep rooted sense of Jewish guilt or just some little ray of hope that is still burning somewhere deep inside, but I am really having trouble just letting go. I would love to stop worrying about doing the right thing and just be able to relax but I cannot get to that place. So today, when I wasn’t feeling sick, I did start taking a new repurposed drug and added back some of the old ones. Part of me feels that I have to keep fighting, even though I know that it is unlikely to make any difference now. But there is always that niggle saying “what if I haven’t done enough?” “What if that one extra thing might make a difference?” Damn it niggle – just go away!
So, you can see that I am now wrestling with myself. Part of me just wants to give up and say enough is enough. If this is going to be really painful and unpleasant them I just want to get it over with now. But part of me is scared to do that as giving up is not really in my nature and I am afraid that people will then think I gave in too soon. Aargh!
So anyway, this is what has been going on. I was actually working on another blog which is not finished but if I do get a chance then I will upload it if possible.
For now, I cannot really write any more. I need a little snooze.
Future updates will probably come from Neil via e-mail or WhatsApp. I am not going to say goodbye but I will say that I have really enjoyed writing this blog and thanks for reading!
Yours in spas and safaris,